I Don't Care
by Cha Min Su
Summary: It had been two years; the endless one-night-stands with women and the alcohol were only attempts to cover up how Dean is truly feeling about his brother. Sam has just begun to cotton onto Dean's angsty and brooding behaviour. (Also on Archive Of Your Own AO3)
1. Confession

"Dean what's the matter with you lately?" Sam questioned, he had grown frustrated with Dean's attitude and the way he acts around him. It wasn't usual for Dean to keep secrets from his brother but something was definitely up.

"Nothing. It's nothing really, I'm fine." Dean wasn't sure that what he had kept bottled up inside would sounds to great coming out; he had no idea how Sam would react and it scared him.

"Enough, alright. Something's been up from the get-go. Just tell me." Sam pinched the bridge of his nose; he knew that his brother wasn't the type to share his feelings but Sam knew that something was going on with his brother and he had a slight inkling at what it was.

"Sam I just can't. Now drop it." Dean turned away from Sam and moved towards his duffle bag, he began to fold a pair of jeans to put away; in the hopes that Sam would drop the conversation.

"You can tell me anything, you know that. You're my brother Dean there's nothing I can't handle." Sam took a seat at the end of Dean's bed to try and gain Dean's attention, even though his brother was ignoring him.

"Sam I just can't, okay? All I'm saying is that you're my weak spot…and I'm yours." Dean still couldn't say what was on his mind, he envisioned a smiling Sam; happy and in his element and there was no way he could make that smile disappear.

"What are you afraid is going to happen? This is me remember…." Dean sat himself next to Sam and placed a brotherly hand on his shoulder.

"You have no idea what you're talking about." Dean hated to admit it but yes, he was afraid. Afraid of his brother leaving him once again and this time not coming back.

"Yes…yes I do. I know you, you're too scared to tell me how you really feel Dean!" Sam began to raise his voice, the moment the brothers lie to each other is the moment when they lose all trust. Sam just wanted answers a little short of the 'macho crap'.

"Really?" Dean was frightened that Sam might know something.

"Yeah, I know you better than anyone else in the entire world. Just tell me, please." Dean nodded his head weakly. He figured that Sam wanted to know so badly that he had to tell; whether Sam liked it or not he would give his brother what he wanted.

"Alright…I just…" Dean found it hard to formulate a sentence, his nerves were making him shiver; his body began to sweat, "I just want us to be together." He finally spat out.

"We are together Dean…" Sam gulped anxiously. He now knew that what he thought he knew about his brother's feelings was true.

"Like together, together. I like you Sam." Sam bit his lip and clenched his jaw for a moment as he processed what his brother had just said.

"Dean…I-I thought so. I've seen the way you look at me, the way you try and protect me from everything. I've seen how jealous you get when other women are around me." Dean hung his head, he was deeply embarrassed; too embarrassed to even look at Sam because he knew that what Sam was saying was all true.

"Then why did you make me say it, hu?" Dean was a little annoyed that his brother knew his darkest secret and didn't confront him about it, especially a secret this huge.

"I wanted to see if it was really true…" Sam had known for a while but throughout that time he hadn't come up with a practical and moral response to Dean's feelings.

"Well it is. What are you going to do, walk out on me or throw a few punches because you're welcome to do so man." Dean knew in his head how sick and wrong his feelings were after all Sam was his brother.

"What, why would I do that? Dean whatever you're going through I'll help you get through it." Sam didn't feel the same way as Dean did but he knew what it was like to be in love and it's a helpless feeling that you can't control no matter how hard you try its above you.

"Sam this is not a phase! God, I wish it were but it isn't. I've tried sleeping with girls and alcohol…for at least two years. It's not working Sam." Sam didn't know that Dean had been suffering with these feelings for that long.

"Dean I-" Sam was cut off.

"- There's no way you can help me, okay? There just isn't. I shouldn't have said anything. Just…forget it, okay?" Dean desperately wished that he hadn't of said anything because he hadn't been prepared for rejection and so far it hurt and it hurt badly like there was a sudden hole in the bottom of his stomach that couldn't be filled.

"Just calm down and we'll talk about it in the morning." It was getting on past midnight and they had been driving all day, they were exhausted and restless.

"Yeah, sure." Dean just wanted to get to bed as soon as possible and for it to have all just been a bad dream and that he would never have liked Sam and the both of them were fine.

"Dude, I got you breakfast. Wake up." Sam nudged Dean forcefully, like an ordinary morning. Sam had brought Dean a cup of coffee and a toasted bagel from the café down the street.

"Hu, oh. Thanks." Dean looked around to see the all too familiar cardboard coffee tray, the smell of fresh filter coffee filled his nose this early on Thursday morning.

"I got you the paper too." Sam threw the newspaper at the end of the bed.

"Cheers." Dean sat up in bed and grabbed a coffee, the coffee was hot and burned his palm slightly but he didn't mind it because the coffee was worth it.

"So, how you feeling?" Sam noticed that Dean didn't sleep right away last night as the motel table was ransacked with beer cans and a half empty bottle of whiskey.

"Little hung over but I'm fine. What about you-you okay?" Dean asked nervously, he tried to avoid eye contact with his brother because it now felt awkward between them.

"Yeah, no I'm alright." The boys left it at that, they didn't speak to each other much that day or even the day after that because it was too awkward and nobody really had anything to say except for the fact that Dean became even more angsty and broody. They didn't talk about Dean's unrequited love for some time almost like they had 'forgotten'.


	2. I Gotta' Go My Own Way

Two weeks later-

"Hey get this, three inmates at a jail in Platteville, Wisconsin have hanged themselves all within a three week period; seems a little odd." Sam turned his laptop around to Dean.

"Yeah, what you thinking? Spirit, maybe?" Dean began to scroll through the article.

"Yeah, that would be our best bet." Sam stood up from the table and wondered off to the motel kitchen to grab a beer and one for his brother too.

"So some poor bastard took the noose and is now haunting the place. Any connection between the vics?" Dean asked as he took a beer from Sam.

"Uh, yeah they were all female, hung themselves within a month and twenty odd days of being locked up. Other than that, they were different ages and convicted for different crimes." Dean sat back on his chair and rubbed his temples.

"Great. Just great. Looks like we're going to have to do some research Sammy boy." Dean took a large swig of his beer before placing it back onto the motel table.

"Dean…how are you doing lately? With you know…" It was an awkward topic to bring up but Sam had put off talking to his brother about it for a long time now and he was afraid that his brother was having a hard time; Sam had noticed that his brother was drinking a lot more than he did before.

"Ohh, that. Well everything's just peachy Sam." He said sarcastically.

"I'm just trying to help you." Sam had good intentions, he really wanted his brother to be over this but it seemed that it would be quite a difficult thing to do.

"Yeah well…it's not helping. I'd just appreciate it if you didn't bring it up again." Dean grew angry at himself, unlike before where he knew that his feelings were wrong; he had never hated himself for having them but since his feelings were exposed he couldn't help but resent himself for putting this onto Sam.

"It's not just going to go away if you keep quiet, you know that." Things always got worse between them when they would keep things from each other. It seemed to usually result in an argument.

"I get that Sam, I really do. I've actually been thinking about going to work with Bobby for a while to get my head straight because seeing you every day like this doesn't help." Waking up to Sam sleeping in the next bed, getting up and eating with his brother, riding in the Sam car and working jobs alongside each other was stressful.

"If it'd help then I'm not stopping you. I know I'm always going to be here when you get back." Dean's heart broke listening to Sam send him away, he'd hoped that his brother would fight for him to stay by his side and they'd work through it together but he didn't expect it; that's not to say he wasn't upset with his brother.

"Yeah? Why don't you go work on the case and I'll go down to Bobbies?" He suggested.

"Yeah, it's only a simple salt and burn. Just take as long as you need." Sam was sure that this was the best way for his brother to 'get better'. Like when Sam was addicted to demon blood Dean locked him up and prevented him from drinking it. This is what Dean needed; to spend as much time away from Sam as possible so Dean could get over his feelings.

"Right. Well you can take my car, just drive carefully. You hurt my baby and I'll kill you!" Dean handed Sam the impala's car keys, his face was filled with regret, when Dean had given Sam his car when he went to hell Sam had installed an iPod and threw away most of Dean's cassette tapes.

"Dean, I know the drill." Sam didn't worship the car as much as Dean did and he didn't feel like a king whilst riding it but it was his brother's most prized possession; his pride and joy. "It's going to take like twenty two hours to get to Bobby's from here. Do you want me to go with you?" It did take a while to get to Bobby's from Long Island where they had just finished working a case.

"Dude, I'm almost thirty. I think I can survive on the road by myself." Dean would miss his brother and that was the truth but he had to make a break and go solo for a while.

"No, I understand. Why don't we go and get some food? You hungry?" The conversation had grown a little awkward and Sam had to change topic.

"Starving." Sam and Dean went to the diner down the road that claimed to make 'the best cherry pie know to man' or so it said in giant red letters printed on the window. Sam ordered the cob salad with a black coffee and Dean ordered a bacon cheese burger with a large helping of cherry pie. Dean agreed, it was the best cherry pie he'd ever tasted there was no question.

It was a little past two in the morning and Dean was up, he was ready; boots on and his duffle bag flung over one shoulder. The truth was that he wasn't going to Bobby's in fact he didn't know where to go, he just wanted out. So he packed his bag whilst Sam was sleeping. Dean now stood over Sam's bed and looked over him like a guardian angel. And he whispered, "I'm sorry." Into the silence of the motel room. Sam didn't stir or even twitch, was fast asleep. Dean wished that he could stay but the way he thought of it was that Sam would be better off without him, for a while at least; even if he had to constantly lie to his brother it would be better than staying by his side being nothing but a burden. Dean glanced upon Sam's face for the last time; memorising the shape of his brother's lips and the angle of his brother's nose, the way Sam's hair fell across face; beautifully and effortlessly. He'd miss it that was for sure; but this was the best way, for now at least. Dean left his cell phone on the bed side table and walked over to the door. A single and solemn tear rolled down Dean's cheek as his lips began to quiver. He reached for the door knob, freezing momentarily as the thought of Sam waking up to an empty bed by his side made his heart feel tight. Still he persisted, "Bye Sammy." Dean left and shut the motel door behind himself.


End file.
